Act 1:

Scene 1 (Teaser)

(Have the credits roll across the bottom of the screen or something as the scene is playing out. At the end of the scene, fade to black and then the movie's title (which I'm guessing is Carmen) will flash up on the black screen and we'll hit the main body of things)

Don Jose is in the middle of an intense scrabble game with his friend.

Don Jose - M...U...R...D...E...R...Murder. Let's see, double letter on the R and a triple word out to...36 points. Not bad. I was just staring at the tiles and murder came to me. Hey, I'm winning!

Don Jose's friend - No way Jose. I'm still in front. we go. W...H...E...L...M...E...D. Whelmed. Ooo...this looks like it should give me the game.

Don Jose - Whelmed? There's no such word.

Don Jose's friend - Sure there is. As in overhwelmed.

Don Jose - (growing angry) Yes, overhwelmed is a word. But how can you be whelmed. I have never once heard anyone say that they're whelmed.

Don Jose's friend - Well if overwhelmed is a word, so must whelmed. Overjoyed is to joy as overwhelmed is to whelmed.

Don Jose - (in a fit of rage) There is no such word! Must you resort to cheating to beat me? (throws over the board. Draws his weapon and kills his friend)

(Don Jose looks at dead body - lets out a girlish shriek and collapses on the ground)

Scene 2

(Ed Note: I'd like to have some background music from the opera as Carmen enters and the guys in the crowd call out to her. It can die down once she does her song and dance for Don Jose)

Crowd onscreen already, taking lunch break. Carmen enters.

Crowd of guys: Carmen! It's Carmen! (catcalls and whistles)

Guy 1: Carmencita! Tell me you will love me!

Guy 2: Carmencita! Tell me you will love me!

Guy 3: Carmencita! Tell me you will sleep with me!

Carmen gently moves her hand towards guy 3 then slaps his face. She sidles up to Don Jose (sitting off to the side), who pays no attention to her. Don Jose is busy shining his boot and whistling some silly song. Maybe the worms one.

Carmen: Love is a rebellious bird L'amour est un oiseau rebelle

That nobody can tame, que nul ne peut apprivoiser,

And it's useless to call him et c'est bien en vain qu'on l'appelle,

If he doesn't feel like answering you! S'il lui convient de refuser!

Nothing is any use, threats or prayers, Rien n'y fait, menace ou prière,

One speaks sweet words, another is silent, l'un parle bien, l'autre se tait;

And it is the other I prefer et c'est l'autre que je préfère,

He says nothing, but I like him. il n'a rien dit, mais il me plait.

(Ed Note: Have her do this spiel in french. Translate the first 6 lines word for word into English so that the audience thinks the subtitles are serious. Then we'll translate the last two lines to "hey sexy" on subtitles. I think this will make the subtitles that much more effective.)

(Carmen throws a flower at Don Jose and it smacks him in the face.)

Don Jose: Augh! My eye!!! He writhes in agony on the floor while screaming like a banshee.

Carmen: Love is a child of the gipsies,

He's never known any law,

If you don't love me, I love you,

And if I love you, beware!

[Translation: Oops.]

Carmen exits. Don Jose stops screaming long enough to pick up a flower and put it in his jacket. He smells the flower and is somewhat taken by it and Carmen. He then pricks his finger on a thorn and starts crying..

Micaela enters.

Micaela: Aw, you poor baby. Mummy sends you this kiss to make it all better.

She gives him a kiss on the cheek.

Don Jose: Does Mummy send anything else? Food, perhaps? Money?

Micaela: You wish. Just this engagement ring. Give it to me when you grow up.

Micaela stalks off. Don Jose ponders his empty stomach, then his ring, then gets up.

Don Jose: Maybe I can pawn this off for some cash. I could sure go for a burrito right about now.

Screaming (offscreen). Girl runs on screen, sobbing.

Don Jose: (trying to look important) What has happened? Tell me at once!

Girl: Carmen! She slashed my face when I told her her eyeshadow didn't match her dress! (Ed Note: or something)

Don Jose: Augh! Blood!!! (faints)

Zuniga enters.

Zuniga: Don Jose! Bring Carmen to me!

Carmen enters.

Zuniga: (questioning Carmen) Did you do this?

Carmen: (Ed note: says some sort of poetic insult. You can change the previous question to fit the insult better.)

Zuniga: (angered) You'd be better off showing me some respect.

Carmen: Would you show respect to a mucus spewing, plague infested sewer rat, even if it held a gun to your head?

Zuniga: That's it. Don Jose, tie this pest up .

Zuniga exits.

Don Jose: (salutes stupidly) Yes sir. (drags Carmen on screen and ties her hands behind her ).

Carmen: Alone at last.

Don Jose: I'm sorry miss, I have a job to do. Your charms won't work on me.

Carmen: I'm thinking of a certain officer, (first 2 lines, chant tauntingly)

I'm thinking of a certain officer,

Who loves me, and in my turn,

Yes, in my turn I might love him!

[Translation: I love the way I can get you to untie me by simply doing a little song and dance. Wimp.]

Don Jose: Yes dear. (Unties Carmen's hands)

Carmen: My lover! He's gone to the devil!

I showed him the door yesterday!

[Translation: Sucker.]

She rubs Don Jose's face seductively, doing the hand thing then pushes him to the ground and runs off. Zuniga enters.

Zuniga: Don Jose! You idiot! You imbecile! You incompetent nincompoop!

Zuniga continues yelling as Don Jose stares after Carmen. Fade to black (ooh…)

Act 2

Play CD Act II dance music. In a tavern (i.e. have some beer cans strewn about) people are strumming guitars, playing tambourines; everyone else (dressed in gaudy colours or in uniform) is dancing.

Carmen, Frasquita and Mercedes are siting around a table.

Carmen: (as if she's telling the punch line of a great joke) So then the priest says to the rabbi: "I want that urine!"

(friends all laugh)

Frasquita - Oh, you and your urine specimens...

Mercedes - Speaking of fine specimens, look who just walked in. Mmm...

(Escamillo struts in, acting like he's a million dollars. If we have any extras around, we can have them beg for his autograph, take pictures with him, etc. Basically, we just want to play up that he's a big star. After a bit of time with the fans, he struts over to Carmen's table.) (Have Camera start by panning on his feet and then pan up to show him with ladies around him. Play "Staying Alive" while this part is going on.)

Escamillo - Why hello there ladies. (to Carmen. Acting very suave) Is this seat empty?

Carmen - Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

Escamillo - But I want to give myself to you.

Carmen - (somewhat flirty) Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

Escamillo - Ahh...a feisty one. Have I told you that your eyes are the most perfect shade of beauty? When I look into them, I can see myself and, damn, I look good.

Carmen - (somewhat taken) You're quite the charmer Escamillo but I'm taken. I'm expecting to meet a friend of mine, Don Jose, here tonight.

Escamillo - (somewhat troubled) But I am Escamillo. Can your friend wrestle 400 pound bulls to the ground? Has your friend toured in all the arenas in this country? Does your friend have a multi-million dollar shoe endorsement deal?

Mercedes - Sorry buddy, she's taken. But my name is Mercedes and you can drive me any day you want.

Escamillo - Well, you do seem lovely but my eyes are for this one alone. (points to Carmen) I must be gone now but we shall meet again. (blows a kiss Carmen's way and then exits)

Mercedes - Well he's quite the charmer isn't he?

Carmen - He is but...I'm in love! Yes, in love! I'm head over heels in love! [Translation: I haven't had time to swindle the other guy yet!]

Mercedes and Frasquita - She's in love? (pause then uncontrolled laughter)

Frasquita - With Don Jose? But he's so...what's the adjective for "giant loser"?.

Mercedes - I'd take Escamillo over him any day.

Enter Dancairo. (Ed Note: As of now, all lines given to smugglers have Dancairo written in front of them. Since we'll have 2 or 3 smugglers, we'll re-assign them depending on who's there when we film.)

Frasquita - Oh, here comes Dancairo. Time for a little business.

(enter Dancairo. Dressed like some dark drug dealer)

Dancairo - Good evening ladies. I have some business in mind.

Girls - With us?

Dancairo: Yes, we need you!

For we acknowledge humbly

And with great respect,

Yes, we acknowldege humbly:

When it's a case of deception,

Cheating, thieving,

It's always a good thing

To have women with you.

And without them, girls,

Nothing can ever be achieved!

[Translation: Hey sexy]

Frasquita - In other words, you want us to do all the dirty work. Surprise, surprise. What do you have in mind this time?

Mercedes - I just hope it's better than your last idea.

Frasquita - (Ed Note - Insert some weird plan here. Can't think of anything off hand)

Dancairo - I can assure you all that this operation is flawless. Myself and my "associates" will smuggle a shipement of Escamillo bobblehead dolls across the french border.

Frasquita - bobbleheads?

Dancairo - Oh yes, they're quite the thing in France. And the french ladies simply adore Escamillo.

Frasquita - And where do we come in?

Dancairo - I'll need you three to distract the customs officials.

Carmen - That shouldn't be a problem. I can be quite adept at distracting men. (Does the hand thing towards Dancairo)

Dancairo - Excellent. If this plan works, you'll all be rewarded handsomely.

Mercedes - (mockingly) Here comes your love! (giggle)

(Carmen shoos her friends away - they exit as Don Jose sits down)

Don Jose - (jealous) Who was that man I saw you with?

Carmen - Just as business associate. (kiddingly) I saw you with Zuniga before. Should I be jealous about the two of you?

(Carmen sees that Don Jose is still a bit upset so she begins to seductively dance for him. )

Carmen - This is just a small preview of what's in store for later this evening.

(Bugle call sounds in background. Don Jose begins to snap out of his trance.)

Don Jose - I've been summoned. Duty calls.

Carmen - (snaps angrily at him)

No! You don't love me!

No! For if you loved me,

You'd follow me far away!

Away into the mountains…

… there you'd follw me!

You'd follow me if you loved me!

There you'd take orders from no-one,

There'd be no officer to obey,

And no retreat sounding

To tell the lover it's time to go!

[Translation: You're whipped!]

Don Jose: (whining) No, no, I love you my Carmen! I love you I love you I love you I love you...

Zuniga enters.

Zuniga: Get off the floor you pathetic amoeba. (Ed Note: Could throw a really high tech Bio term for a small organism in here)

Don Jose looks at Carmen and Zuniga, deciding. Carmen gives him an evil stare then does hand thing, while Zuniga strokes his moustache, grins at Carmen and does some sort of over the top pointy move thing to her (Ed Note: I know what I want him to do but it's hard to describe here)

Don Jose: (in a quavery voice) I'm not going.

Zuniga: (surprised) WHAT? WHY NOT?!

Don Jose: … I'm in love! Yes, in love! I'm, uh, heels over head in love!

Zuniga: (stare at Don Jose) He's in love? (pause, then laughs his head off) As if Carmen here would let you lick her shoes clean, never mind love you in return.

Don Jose: (mad) Draw, then! (whips out his tin-foil sword)

Zuniga shakes his head and proceeds to beat up Don Jose a la old Batman style: POW! WHACK! posters flash. Don Jose is geting the snot kicked out of him and is briefly knocked out. One of Carmen's friends breaks a vase on Zuniga's head, knocking him out. Don Jose awakens.

Don Jose: (seeing a knocked out Zuniga) I won? (a mix of pride and disbelief)

Carmen: Oh yes, my Don Jose. You defended my honour valiantly.

Mercedes: Well, lover boy, you have to come with us now, you've attacked a senior officer.

Frasquita: It's off to a smuggler's life in the mountains for you.

Don Jose: The mountains? But they're so big and pointy... (begins to wimper as they all walk off)


Act 3

Don Jose: (showing off in front of Carmen and friends) … and then I ran him through with my sword, like this – (wave sword) and backhanded him like this – (wave fist) and… then I grabbed the "Z" from my rack and flung it at him...and he came at me with a "K" but I dodged it like this (dodge)...

Carmen: We've heard this story thousands of times. Why don't you, uh, go stand guard?

Don Jose: (in whinny voice) Carmen. You're always bossing me around. No fair.

Carmen: Well you've been living here for a week and haven't done anything to help us out.

Don Jose: Well you're always so unreasonable. (mimicking Carmen's voice) "Don Jose, do the laundry", "Don Jose, clean the dishes", "Don Jose, organize an international smuggling operation with the goal of defrauding the Spanish governement of thousands.", "Don Jose, take out the garbage". Nothing ever satisfies you.

Carmen: Well you certainly don't.

Don Jose runs off to the corner where he pouts and cries for the rest of the evening.

Carmen and friends yawn. They pull out a deck of tarot cards.

Mercedes: I see a young lover

Who loves me more than anyone.

Frasquita: My lover's very rich and very old;

But he speaks of marriage!

Mercedes: I sit tight on his horse

And he takes me away into the mountains!

Frasquita: My lover installs me like a queen

As the mistress of a grand castle!

Mercedes: There's no end to our love,

Every day brings new excitement!

Frasquita: As much gold as I like,

Diamonds, jewels!

Mercedes: My lover becomes a great leader,

And a hundred men march behind him!

Frasquitea: And mine, and mine – can I believe me eyes? –

Yes, (joyfully) he dies!

Ah! I'm a widow and I inherit a fortune!

(Carmen lays out her cards)

Frasquita: Uh-oh. The death card.

Mercedes: Well that's not good.

Frasquita: No, I'd say not.

Carmen: (looking at her cards) Diamonds! Spades!

Death! I see it clearly!

First I, then he,

Death for both of us!

[Translation: Oh F***! ]

She leaves, hands over her ears.

Escamillo enters, swagering

Escamillo: Why, hello ladies. (strikes dashing bullfighter pose)

Don Jose leaves his phetal position and nervously goes up to Escamillo.

Don Jose: Umm...Escamillo. If you're not too busy...I mean if it's not a big deal...could I umm...get an autograph?

Escamillo: No problem. I'm always ready to please my fans. (pulls out a giant self portrait from bag and signs it.) To my biggest fan. From Escamillo the great. (Don Jose eagerly takes it and thanks him)

Mercedes: So what brings the magnificent Matador here?

Escamillo: Although I have tamed many a wild bull and beaten many a foe, there is now only one animal left for Escamillo to tame. One who has captured my heart as she charges towards me. She is perhaps the lone woman in Spain as beautiful as I. I have come in search of the gypsy known as Carmen.

Don Jose: Bu...bu...bu...but...she's mine!

Escamillo: (Looks at Don Jose. Looks at Carmen. Bursts into hard loughter) Oh, the little man is a joker. Seriously, where is she.

Carmen appears from the back and gives him a seductive wave.

Seeing this, Don Jose is filled with anger and he begins beating Don Jose with whatever's near by. (Ed Note: Scrable tiles could work. Maybe a connect four game or something like that.) Don Jose toys with him for a bit, treating Don Jose like a charging bull but he trips over something or stops to admire himself in a mirror or something like that and Don Jose pounces on him, beating him. Mercedes and Frasquita have to rescue Escamillo.

Escamillo: (brushing himself off) Well, as much fun as this fight is - (aside) if you can call it a fight given the strength and skill of the two combatants - (end aside) I must be off now. I present to you fine ladies box seats to my next bullfight. (turns to Don Jose) We will have to continue this at a later time. I bid you all adieu - to you and you and you. (waves to all and bows before exiting)

Dancairo (or smugglers) enter.

Dancairo: Some secret hideout we have. Even the slow-witted matador found it...

Regardless, we must be off. Those bobleheads aren't going to steal themselves.

Ladies, the caravan waits - there is no time to delay.

Everyone packs up and begins to leave the mountain. Don Jose is pouting.

Don Jose: (mocking Escamillo to himself) Oh, look at me. I'm a matador...oooo...I'm so great...a run for bulls...oh gee, that's really manly...

Micaela pops up from behind rock and grabs Don Jose by the ear.

Don Jose: Yeow!

Micaela: Got you, you no good, wimpy, whining, whimpering, whipped, and sorry excuse for a man! (She starts to lead him off in the opposite direction as the rest of the gypsy group). Oh, you're going to get it when you get home! It's a good thing she's lying in bed dying, or she'd smack your bottom good!

Don Jose: (astonished) Mother's dying? That [insert some reference to Mom's iron constitution here Ed Note: I have no clue what iron constitution means. The only constitution I'm familiar with has to do with Trudeau.] (wails) Mummy, I'm coming! (runs off) (sticks head back into screen) Carmen! I must go. Will you promise to meet me again.

Carmen: Of course.

[Translation: yeah, right. loser.]

Don Jose runs off with Micaela.

Act 4

Scene 1

A large crowd has assembled in the bullring in Seville for the big Escamillo fight. The announcer's voince booms over the PA system.

Announcer: Well, it's a beautiful day for a bullfight and have we got a match for you. Tonight you will have the honour of watching the King of the Cape, the Terrific torreador, the Magnificent Matador, the Perfect Picador, the Man, the Myth, the Legend - let's give it up for Escamillo!

(Wild applause from the crowd. Escamillo waves to the crowd and stands pompously in the ring.)

Announcer: His first foe tonight will be the bull who puts the danger in dangerous. Get ready to cheer on the fiercest bull in the land, weighing in at 652 pounds. Let's hear it for Hamburger Helper!

(Mix of applause and boos. We will rock you starts playing in background.)

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen...Leeeeett's get ready to ruuuuuuuummble!!!

(Escamillo prepares to fight. The bull approaches him and a wild fight scene ensues. Ed Note: I'll just dance around and do all sorts of stuff and then dub a commentary on overtop of it once it's filmed. But don't worry, it will be very good.)

(Following the fight, Escamillo stands in triumph as the crowd cheers him on. Carmen then runs into the ring and into his arms)

Announcer: Let's go ringside with your roving reporter, Orlando Cabrera. Orlando, let's get some reaction from our champ.

Orlando: Thank you. I'm here ringside with the winner, Escamillo. Can you tell us a bit about the fight?

Escamillo: Well I just wanted to go out there and give it 110%. I didn't want to under-estimate my oponent since he's a fierce fighter but, as is always the case, my skill triumphed.

Orlando: I'm sure you've no doubt read all the tabloid reports about your female gypsy friend (makes a motion to Carmen). Care to clarify for all the ladies out there, how much truth there is behind the rumours.

Escamillo: Well this is the love of my life, Carmen. And while we're on national TV, I'd like to take a minute here...(Gets down on his knee) Carmen, will you pledge your love to me and make yourself the luckiest woman in Spain?

Carmen: Of course Escamillo.

(At this moment, Fraquita and Mercedes rush into the scene)

Fraquita: Carmen, Carmen. We just saw Don Jose outside and he's looking for you. All sanity has left him - you must avoid him. Flee, flee.

Mercedes: (to Escamillo in a sexy voice to Escamillo) Hey.

Fraquita: (to Mercedes) Geez, they just pledged their love to each other.

Escamillo: Ladies, ladies. There's plenty of Escamillo to go around.

Carmen: I am afraid of no one. I will go outside and confront him.

Scene 2

Don Jose paces outside. Carmen enters and startles him. We can have the announcer in the background describing Escamillo's next big fight.

Carmen: It's you!

Don Jose: It's me!

Carmen: I was warned that you weren't far away,

That you would come;

I was even told that I should fear for my life,

But I am brave!

I'm not one to run away!

Don Jose: Carmen my love, Carmen my pet, Carmen my little sweet enchelada. I need you! I love you! I'm not a man without you!

Carmen: (Ed Note: Add some prose here with the translation being roughly "you're not much of a man with me" or something like that. And in a completely unrelated note, if we have a girl playing Don Jose, then we should sprinkle a few "what kind of man is that?" Comments in throughout the play in reference to Don Jose.)

Don Jose: But Carmen, we belong together.

Carmen: You are asking the impossible!

Carmen has never told a lie!

Her heart will not be moved;

Between you and her all is over!

I've never told a lie!

All is over between us!

Don Jose: huh?

Carmen: You see...I need my space...I think we should just be friends. [translation: It's dumpsville for you]

Don Jose: What? Wha...what do you mean?

Carmen: It's not you, it's me. [translation: It's you, not me.]

Don Jose: No! I won't let you go! You'll always be mine.

Stands in the way, baring the door.

Carmen: Whatcha gonne do, huh, punk?!

(Ed Note: I'm not fully sure how we want to end this scene off to set up the alternate endings and such. I'll let someone else finish this off. My guess is Don Jose kills Carmen then falls on the ground crying.)

My Plan is to have a black screen with "The End" flashing across it. Then, below it "or is it?" Appears. Then we cut to a "here's how it could have ended" screen before each new clip like they do in Clue.


(Ed Note: Ones to be used and order they will be used in, still TBD)


(When DJ cuts Carmen's throat, he doesn't sever the vocal chords. The sound is a combination glass shattering and banshee catterwauling. The glass around her begins to break (camera lens too?) and people around her begin to convulse a la Mars Attacks. Zuniga enters and says something like: "My name is Inspector Kenny Martinez. I've been undercover for the past two weeks but I finally have enough proof to arrest you Don Jose." Then his head explodes. Lets see some exploding brains here, people. Anyway, a reporter pops up in the middle, wearing earplugs) (Ed Note: We could start this one off with a newscast à la 1820 and then have the anchor say "we've got some breaking news in the field" and then cut to either Orlando or a different reporter with the report. Sort of like they do with the green screen on Whose Line is it anyways?)

Reporter: And we are just receiving the first glimpses of the carnage and mayhem here in (whatever place we chose). The sight is unbelievable, folks. There hasn't been this much blood since (insert scary incident here. I was thinking Vlad the Impaler just for keeping with the timeline, but since he's a news reporter, we could make light of something else. OJ or Charles Manson or something). Oh, the humanity!

(Carmen finally drops dead in the background. Reporter's tone changes)

Reporter: Anyhow, stay tuned after the news for the newest reality show Men in Tights: The E! True Hollywood Story of Bullfighting in Seville. Goodnight, and Godspeed.



(DJ is bawling his eyes out over Carmen, who is dead. Escamillo and Zuniga watch. The key point here is BAD ACTING from everyone) If we want to have Zuniga killed off here, we should have replace the Zuniga character with another male character - Dancairo perhaps.

DJ: My love . . . I . . . I didn't know slitting your throat would be fatal! I thought it would be a small cut but then you'd get over it and we'd all have a good laugh about it later in the pub!

Escamillo: (disgusted) Don Jose, you're such an idiot.

Zuniga: We could bring her back.

Escamillo: What? You don't mean . . .

Zuniga: I do.

Escamillo: No, you crazy fool! I saw them bring a dead bullfighter back to life and he was never the same! The man who raised him was driven mad!

Zuniga: I hvae been practising voodoo in the Deep South for many years now. I believe I can bring your beloved Carmen back to you, Don Jose, but it requires one thing I fear we will not find among us three . . . the saliva of a virgin. However, I will place this cup here on the table (does so) and we will all turn our backs, so that if one of us has not known the touch of a woman, they may spit without losing their manly pride. Ready?

(All three turn their backs to the cup. A few seconds tick by and no one moves. Finally, all turn around at once, realise what that means, possibly groan, and take turns coughing up lugies in the cup)

DJ: What if she comes back wrong?

Zuniga: Dammit, Jim! I'm a voodoo doctor, not a fortune teller!

DJ: Hurry, we don't have much time!

(Zuniga launches into some semi-elaborate/cheap yet mystical raising of Carmen. Escamillo and DJ converse through this)

Escamillo: This is insane.

DJ: I'll have my Carmen back!

Escamillo: Don't you get it, man? They always come back wrong!

DJ: So we can just stake her or something.

Escamillo: That's vampires.

DJ: You'd be surprised how many things staking kills.

Escamillo: (waxing sarcastic) I'm whelmed by your intelligence.

DJ: (draws sword) You take that back!

Zuniga: It is done!

Have Zuniga enter here and say something like "My name is Inspector Kenny Martinez with the FBI. Don Jose, you're under arrest for the murders of (insert name of first dead scrable guy) and Carmen." Then, of course, Carmen eats his brains.

(They stop as cheesy special effects happen or something. Carmen stands, disoriented and really pale. She looks at DJ while Escamillo cowers behind Zuniga)

DJ: Oh, my love!

Carmen: Brains . . .

DJ: No, no, it's Don Jose.

Carmen: Brains . . .

As a suggestion, you could have Carmen turn to one of the guys (either Don Jose or Escamillo would work) and say "brains", then quickly turn away, implying they don't have brains and go for someone else. I dunno, a thought.

(Carmen tears into DJ and parts go flying across the screen. After she finishes with him, she turns on Escamillo and Zuniga. Screams, fade to black (?))


The Carmen ending

Don Jose: Oh my God, I've killed her. (cries) Waaa.

(Enter Zuniga)

Don Jose: Zuniga, you've got to help me. I killed the gypsy.

Zuniga: I'm afraid my name is not Zuniga. I am in fact, Kenny Martinez - FBI. I've been tracking you since we found a body with a large number of scrabble pieces inserted into various orifices about a month ago. And now I have the proof I need to arrest you.

Don Jose: Uhhh...(pulls out revolver and shoots Zuniga then starts blubbering again)

Escamillo: Well Carmen, I've booked us on a beautiful cruise in the...Oh my God...Carmen!

(rushes to dead body. At this moment, another woman arrives on the scene)

Don Jose: (looks at girl) Carmen? (looks at corpse) huh?

Carmen: Alas. I am not the Carmen of which you speak but her identical twin...also named Carmen. I can't tell you how confusing that was growing up.

Don Jose: You're not her evil twin, are you?

Carmen: Listen buddy, she's the one who was smuggling drugs and stabbing girls. Do the math.

(Escamillo looks up from body of dead Carmen to recently arrived Carmen)

Escamillo: Well hello there good looking. Are those space jeans because your ass is outta this world.

Carmen: (rolling eyes) The love of your life just died.

Escamillo: Well, she'd want me to move on and sleep with the first stranger I meet.

Carmen: (Looking at Zuniga) What happened to him?

Don Jose: Uhh...he tripped.

Carmen: Luckily I'm a medical doctor in Seville - I'll try to save him. (Roll ER music)

Carmen: Pass me the defibrillators.

Don Jose:'s 1820.

Carmen: Right. (Roll Scrubs theme) (To Don Jose) Listen Barbie, you can stand around like the queen of the Nile or we can save this man!

Don Jose: umm...what do you need?

Carmen: I'll need 4 litres of urine. Get on it quick man. I don't have all day! (Ed Note: Instead of Don Jose, we could have Hardeep play an innocent bystander who she makes do this)

Don Jose: (goes off to side) You know it's hard with everyone watching. (Everyone turns around and he fills up container and passes it to Carmen)

Carmen: (pushes it to the side) Excellent. Now, back to saving this man.

Carmen: Oh wait, hang on a second. He's got type AB blood. What's the point of saving him if he's not type O? (Gets up, leaving Zuniga for dead. Maybe Zuniga could moan or something) (Cheerfully) All right, everyone back to my place for grasshoppers and maggot ice cream!

Musical Ending

Carmen lies dead with on Jose looking over her. Enter Escamillo, Fraqueta and Mercedes from one side and Zuniga from the other. Any other girls who will be signing backup or various lines currently labeled as [all] will also enter.

Cue Music - Grease's Summer Nights

[Don Jose]

Carmen, I thought our love would last


Won my bull fight, had me a blast

[Don Jose]

I met a girl crazy for me


She thought I was cute as can be


Gypsy Carmen, drifting away cuz of, oh, oh, oh Don Jose


Well-a well-a well-a huh

Tell me more, tell me more?

Like did you stab her chest?


Yes he did, Yes he did

[Zuniga] (cuts in quickly)

Then your under arrest?

[Don Jose]

You arrest me, I do think not


My name's Kenny, undercover cop

[Don Jose]

Already killed two, why not kill three?

(Stabs Zuniga in the chest quickly. Zuniga falls to the ground dead.)


Oh my God, he killed Kenny!


Gypsie Carmen, got a few flaws but how many deaths will she cause?

[Gals] (To Escamillo)

Well-a well-a well-a huh

Tell me more, tell me more

About your strength and might

[Gals] (To Escamillo)

Tell me more, tell me more

About your great bullfight


Well I won, didn't take long


Escamillo, gosh you're so strong


Well you know, I'm great as can be


Carmen's dead, why not hook up with me?

(Escamillo makes "why not?" face)

[Escamillo + Mercedes]

Carmen's gone, moving along, gosh, we both love Escamillo

(Escamillo + Mercedes move off to side, arm in arm)

[Gals] (turn to Don Jose)

Well-a well-a well-a huh

Tell me more, tell me more

But we know you're not great


But you'll do, But you'll do

Because he's (pointing to Escamillo) got a date

[Don Jose]

Then I told him, Whelm's not a word

[Don Jose]

And he got scared, scared as a bird


Don Jose, you talk with such grace

[Don Jose]

Grabed the "Z" tile, shoved it in his face

(Fraquita and Don Jose hold arms)


Carmen's gone, moving along, [Fraquita] he's not great, but I guess he will do.

[Gals] (To Don Jose and Esquamillo who are now on one side)

Tell me more, tell me more

About this girl Carmen.

[Gals] (To Don Jose and Esquamillo who are now on one side)

Tell me more, tell me more

About this girl Carmen.


Well she's gone now, that's how she ends.

[Don Jose]

She did tell me, we'd still be friends


Kind of miss her, she looked as good as me.

[Don Jose]

But I killed her, unfortunantly.


Carmen's gone, moving along but oh oh [all] Carmen


Tell me more, tell me more


(Carmen lays dead on ground. DJ still holds bloody knife while Zuniga and some other guy take charge of the scene)

Zuniga: (to DJ) I'm Kenny Zuniga, S.V.P.D. forensics unit. I've a few questions to ask you.

DJ: (trying to look innocent) Okay, sure.

Zuniga: Did you have any relations with the deceased?

DJ: Um, I kinda . . . uh . . . loved her.

Zuniga: I see. And where were you when she was killed?

DJ: Watching the bullfight . . . cuz the bullfight was amazing, and uh bullfights, I mean, wow what can you say about bullfights? (digging himself into a deeper hole) And man, those bullfighters in those tight pants and satin fighting capes and uh, (quickly) I like the cheerleaders.

Zuniga: (to the other guy) I want you to examine the scene, find anymore possible witnesses. (to DJ) Well, your alibi seems plausible enough. You're free to go.

Other Guy: Uh, Sir? He's holding a bloody knife. We've got a woman dead from a deep laceration to the neck. Now, if we put A and B together, he's guilty and we should arrest him.

Zuniga: (as DJ gets more enrvous) Other Guy, I've told you a thousand times not to jump to conclusions.

Other Guy: What jumping? Knife, dead gypsy. I think it's pretty obvious . . .

Zuniga: Be logical about this. We need to examine this from every angle. Your putting A and B together is like saying two and two is four.

Other Guy: Two and two is four.

Zuniga: I've had enough of your crazy shenanigans! I'm telling you that two and two are not four, and A and B don't go together! This man is inno . . .

(But he doesn't finish as DJ plunges knife into his back)

Other Guy: Oh my God, you killed Kenny!

DJ: (tosses knife down some kind of sewer grate) But now you have no evidence! You can't arrest me!

Other Guy: Damn! If only we'd invented fingerprinting before this!

(And I don't know how to end this one. Make up something)


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