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IB Dictionary
by Lindsay Penner

agenda: record of homework, study group and club meetings, tests, exams, and the rare social event; completely full on each day's allotted space

alarm clock: annoying buzzing or singing machine that goes off at an unholy hour of the morning so that a student can make it to an activity such as school, extension courses, study groups, club meetings, or just to finish the homework that was impossible to complete at midnight the previous night

biology: the memorization of facts about the human body that come to mind at the most inconvenient times (like the process of digestion while eating chocolate), and which are instantly forgotten after the exam

caffeine: divine gift used as a substitute for sleep; found in coffee, chocolate, and cola, any of which can and should be used in an IV permanently attached to the IB student's arm

calculus: mathematical system with no practical purpose

CAS: a minimum of 150 hours of a full IB student's life theoretically devoted to creativity, action, and service purposes which tend toward thinly stretched excuses for fitting hours into the categories

CAS portfolio: collection of items detailing the vague and inaccurate hours used for CAS, as well as sheets signed by an individual stating that the activity was actually true

chemistry: the study of unproven theories which are necessary to learn but which will become obsolete within the next fifteen years, requiring that the student retake an entire chemistry course to learn all the new unproven theories which continues in the same cycle

class: period of time which is entirely too long used for schoolwork, note-taking, and brief periods of sleep classroom: detention cell; torture chamber

computer: machine used as much as possible to write essays, do lab reports, and finish homework because the amount of typing needed in IB winds up giving students an extremely fast typing speed that approaches the speed at which they speak, as well as carpal tunnel syndrome cramming: studying in an extremely short period of time (from the morning of the test to the moment when the teacher forces the notes from your hands); more common than studying

curriculum: detailed description of the useless and unpragmatic information that an adult with no knowledge of the real world arbitrarily decided was relevant and necessary to learn data booklet: packet used in chemistry containing formulas, periodic tables, and constants which would otherwise take up valuable space in the brain which will be devoted to remembering where the data booklet was last seen

document analysis: form of essay written in social studies that is practically impossible to do properly because of the assumption by teachers that allstudents know what to do

dossier (French): set of writings and assignments presented at the IB oral exam which is supposed to be compiled during the whole of high school, but is, in reality, a set of ancient social studies essays, four-line poems, and reviews written for never-seen movies that were taken from the previews, which is hastily put together during the two hours before the oral

due date: date on which an assignment must be handed in, often altered by the pleading of a harried student or group of students for an extension; date during the early hours of which the assignment is typically completed

empty set: an extremely frustrating answer to a math problem which has no actual answer but still requires two pages of work and twenty minutes to complete

encyclopedia: primary source of information for essays

English: class involving an in-depth discussion dominated by those who have read the Coles Notes or actually understand the complex and psychologically disturbing work being studied (rare, but occasionally seen), as well as essays and commentaries

essay: written ramble ranging in length from 500 to 4000 words (in the case of the Extended essay), and generally needing to have useless adjectives, adverbs, and in many cases entire sentences added so that it gets up to the minimum length

exam: extremely large test requiring the complete renunciation of any activity which does not include studying or a discussion of the subject of the exam exercise: movement from class to class

Extended Essay: essay written only by those dropped only by those dropped on their heads as babies enough times to become full IB students, supposedly researched thoroughly over the final year of high school, but truly completed the night before using the CD-ROM encyclopedia

extension: a reprieve on a due date allowing a few precious hours to complete an assignment which is barely started anyway but is due the next day

external assessment: assignment sent to Europe for evaluation because apparently the student's actual teachers are biased liars who aren't giving the IBO the correct marks

fees: large amounts of money (reaching $580 in the case of a full IB student)given by a student's perfectionist parents to the IBO so that the student may be permitted to actually complete the IB exams, the Extended Essay, and the various externally-assessed projects.

FLA: class identical to English but in French, as well as including grammar and conjugation of various irregular verbs which are never used in everyday life

Franglais (French?): the official language of French Immersion students which is a mixture of French and English terms but is always completely understandable to other Immersion students

goggle eyes: imprints on the face resulting from the wearing of lab goggles for an experiment, which are eliminated only after school

graphic calculator: calculator designed so that there is no need to learn to make graphs by hand and so that it is possible to play Tetris instead of paying attention in class

homework: the natural state of existence of IB students while not in class

IB (International Baccalaureate): a program for the especially intelligent student who is still stupid enough to do extra work, take more classes, and write extremely difficult exams instead of slacking off in regular classes and finishing high school with a 99% average; method of separating the insane from the rest of the student body

IB exam: horridly complicated exam taking place over two days and at least four hours, involving any and every single thing taught over the course of the last three years and resulting in complete and utter despair upon the realization that there is no possible way that no human could remember all this material under pressure

IB student: intelligent yet insane teenager with nothing better to do than excess homework; often mentally deranged and permanently seconds away from a nervous breakdown

IB oral: IB exam requiring quick thought, a high caffeine-blood ratio, and divine intervention for a passing grade

IBO (International Baccalaureate Organization): organization of pure evil determining the future of all IB students through evaluation of the abilities (synthesis, studying, application, higher thought, insight, memorization, and development, among others) supposedly taught them during high school rather than the ones actually learned (procrastination, cramming, bull-shitting, and caffeine-dependency)ideal gases: substances that don't exist but are forcibly taught to students for the hell of it

imaginary numbers: numbers which are the square roots of negative numbers and serve no purpose other than to permit the solving of a greater amount of complicated equations, each of which takes a minimum of a page and fifteen minutes to solve

in-class essay: a completely bull-shitted piece of writing, accompanied by the prayer that, on some fluke, the student actually made some form of clever and/or correct insight

lab: hands-on experience in a science class, which involves a large amount of recording precise information, guessing, and hoping that the notes written are correct, and which ends with a lab report

lab report: write-up which is longer than an essay, including calculations and many other complicated time-intensive activities, that has no true purpose other than being able to give homework after the potentially-interesting activity of a lab

logic: a quality absent from IB students which results in behaviour (such as sleep) that would make them unsuitable for the program lunch hour: hour-long break at approximately noon used to attend various club meetings, cram for tests, and finish undone homework math: a collection of random formulas and variables positioned to confuse the casual observer and the semi-dedicated student alike, with each calculation taking approximately forever and an entire tree worth of paper to complete

memoire (French): essay written for social studies which is supposedly worked on throughout the semester but is instead completed the night before the due date at midnight

normal: antonym for IB

notes: written copy of information discussed/taught in class, usually illegibly scrawled and written on crumpled paper

oral commentary: essay made up on the spot, and spoken

outdoors: that place outside the windows of the classroom where it's often too windy, rainy, snowy, or distractingly sunny to do work of any kind

party: gathering of individuals for a social reason, not to study together; antonym for class

periodic table: list of the elements and their quantitative properties that is often partially memorized through extreme usage by IB students

physics: calculations and graphs which, at first glance, appear to discuss the study of motion, but, in truth, are totally made-up to look like the student knows what they are talking about

principal: individual leading the entire school who is seen only rarely (once a year is typical)

procrastination: leaving any form of work for a future date, typically so that other procrastinated but more urgent work can be completed either before the teacher threatens death unless the assignment is handed in or before the test is written

recreation: activity not involving schoolwork or homework; rare phenomenon among IB students

rest: milder form of sleep; experienced only during the breaks between classes and the rides to and from school during which it is almost impossible to do work

schedule: description of the order of torture undergone during a school day

school day: eight-hour period of the day during which schoolwork is done, as the other sixteen hours are used for homework and occasionally sleep

school work: the natural state of existence of IB students while in class semester break: time after semester one exams but before semester two classes which is used for completion of grade twelve Social Studies memoire

sleep: a state of unconsciousness typically required for full functioning of the human body, with the exception of any student in at least one IB class at any point in time; rare substitute for caffeine

social life: form of recreation involving other people and not involving any discussions of schoolwork; not usually seen in IB students

social studies: the study of history and interactions between people; generally not including any of the latter

spare period: uncommon period during the school day without a class, used in theory to do homework, but in practice to either rest, return the bloodstream to the reference level of caffeine, or write useless tests made up by other IB students for the purpose of proving that competition is stupid

standardization: system of mark equalization sent as a divine gift to raise the low marks caused by the lack of comprehension of the twisted IB curriculum

stoichiometry: a portion of chemistry which is identical to math and requires no actual intelligence other than the ability to type numbers into a calculator and then copy whatever comes out onto the page, hoping that the units guessed are the correct ones

studying: revision of old notes in preparation for a test (see definition) well in advance; not typically seen

sunrise: the beginning of the first class in the winter, or the moment the alarm clock rings in the morning at all other times

sunset: the end of the last class in the winter

supervisor: teacher whose entire purpose when it comes to a full IB student is to scream and threaten them so that they complete the Extended Essay at some point before the due date

teacher: 1. torturer; minion of the conspiracy (in most cases) 2. Individual who guides the intellectual development of young people (rarely found)

Teacher's Convention: teachers' excuse for taking a five-day weekend in February, used by full IB students to complete the Extended Essay

television: a glowing box emitting two different types of shows, recreational ones and educational ones; recreational ones are the ones requiring free time, and educational shows are the only ones seen by IB students, during class time and only every so often

test (or quiz): form of evaluation undergone at least once every 24 hours by any IB student

textbook: torture device weighing at the very least ten kilograms, with one or more per class, which is extremely boring with long, incomprehensible words

Theory of Knowledge: the only class the typical IB students always enjoys, which involves intense arguments about irrelevant subjects

thesis statement: very long, detailed sentence explaining in big words what your essay was supposed to be about, but often having absolutely nothing to do with the actual essay

World Literature assignment: essay involving the detailed analysis in English of a piece of literature originally written in another language, which the original author could likely never understand


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