Unofficial Guide to IB...uhhh...make that U of C

In the Guide
Ottawa 2003: Wow. A whole summer where I won't have to cross-dress or bt put in awkward situations (hopefully).
Things which irk me: Because there are just so many things out there to piss you off.
Dan and Sidd's Manly Manifesto: Men do not frollick. Sure, you can make it sound all manly by calling it prancing but when you get down to it, it's simply frollicking.
Canada Poem: Pretty good, eh?
Carmen: Read the original script for the movie Roger Ebert calls "better than Spiceworld!"
Janet's Birthday BBQ Bash: Sidd's hand thing sold seperately.
Dan Does Jury Duty: Just when you thought our legal system couldn't get any worse...
Dan's Mass E-Mail: How many Bio students does it take to "remove" a TA? Seriously, I want to know.
Happy Stories: They love! They love! Love, love, love, love, love. Now DIE YOU SON OF A BITCH, DIE!!!
Mad Ramblings of a Physics Student: "I can't wait until this semester is over." Neither can we Mr. Moazen Ahmadi. Neither can we...
Links: Because there's just so much crap on the Internet.


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Dan Does Ottawa Blog

UPDATED!!! (October 26th) New Pictures from the summer

Hello fellow U of C students!

While the IB guide remains, I've decided to spread my gift for self help (although it's not really self help if I'm helping you, now is it?) on to University of Calgary students. So this section of the IB Guide will be dedicated to helping all U of C students survive their 4...or 5...or 7 years of schooling at Calgary's most prestigious university.

Now, when I say "all U of C students", I'm of course exaggerating since, quite frankly, I have no interest in helping low life Engineers or other unsavoury cretins. And, when I say "helping...students survive", I'm also slightly exaggerating since, quite frankly, I have no idea what reading our Carmen movie or a few Mr. Moazen-Ahmadi sayings will do to help you with a 4th year Genetic Engineering test. But none the less, here are a few terms and tid-bits of advice which should help you out.

Engineers: I have nothing good to say about these sorry losers.

IT Building: A new building for computer science students which recently opened up. The best I can do to describe it is a very depressing communist prison - minus the Lenin pictures. The place is just full of concrete and has no roof. They've tried to cheer it up by adding art student paintings but all these paintings make me realize is that the millions spent on the spoiled computer science students to build this building could have been better spent funding our art program which clearly needs any help it can get.

Math Majors: Dashingly Charming, Stunningly Handsome and Incredibly Humble. The math major is the highest form of life on the evolutionary ladder. Plus he (and I say he not to be sexist but because 94% of the faculty is male) can factor like a demon.

Pepsi: The official soft drink of the U of C. The only positive I can think of from this is that we won't have to see any Vanilla Coke on campus next year.

Science Students: I have nothing bad to say about science students since:
a) Many of them know where I live
b) They know how to use and have access to many deadly toxins

Students Union: Without a doubt the biggest waste of money at the U of C. These Einsteins actually spent heaps of cash last year to make up giant posters which said "Do you know where your tuition money is going?" in the hopes to enlighten us to the amount of cash which gets wasted. As much as I love irony, I don't love irony to the tune of $106.50...per semester.

Students Union Elections: It seems these are held roughly every 2 or 3 weeks and involve dozens of candidates running for a few (paid) SU positions. During the last campaign I passed a podium at lunch where the candidates where civilly debating issues - there were 14 people watching this. But I can see why since every single candidate promises to lower tuition and fight for students. In the end, the 14% of the student body who vote end up picking the candidate who gets the best Gauntlet review or who has the best posters. Of course, given the reasons people vote for the Canadian Alliance, this voting strategy probably makes more sense than that of most Albertans.

The Gauntlet: Alright. I'm not a fan of the fact that they like to display male genitalia on their front page, I think the TLFs are grossly overrated (see TLFs) and I never, I repeat never, understand the comics. But I do enjoy reading the Gauntlet, the U of C's main newspaper. They do a good job of combining comedy with opinion pieces. And, hey, I won their "predict the election results" pool in my first year.

The U Pass: If there's one thing I love about the U of C, it's the blessed U pass. I mean, not only is it good for the environment, good for traffic, good for...ahh, who am I kidding - I save 300 a year because of it!!! 300 friggin' dollars!!! But seriously folks, I do think it's a fair thing to put in place - as someone who leans left politically, I think it's an example of socialism at it's best. And hey, if all those irate drivers had taken the 2 minutes to vote instead of complaining, the thing would have been shot down.

TLFs: (Three Lines Free) OK. I'll admit I turn to the TLFs when I get my Gauntlet every week. And yes, they can be mildly amusing at times. But I find the entire fascination with them quite bewildering. People treat them as if they were funnier than Jerry Seinfeld's stand up routine when in fact only about 2 or 3 per week warrant a chuckle. The majority are of the form: "To the hot girl in my Canadian Studies 203 class - that skirt you wore last week had me standing on guard for thee!" or "to the asshole in my GLGY class - Shut the fuck up!". Also popular topics are people complaining about smokers, people complaining about non-smokers, people complaining about the U pass, people complaining about Engineers, and people complaining about freshmen.

Copyright by Daniel Arnold. No part of this page may be reproduced or retransmitted without the expressed written consent on Major League Baseball. No animals or IB students were harmed during the making of this page.